A radio host recently asked, "What do 66% of Elvis impersonators have in common?"
The answer, apparently, is that 66% of Elvis impersonators are Asian.
Great. But I have a better question, with a far easier answer. What do 100% of Elvis impersonators have in common?
They're all losers.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Celebrity Obsession
So, on the Yahoo home page, I read this tag line - "What did Brangelina name their twins?"
There are obviously two follow-up questions. First of all, "How did these two super-celebrities become integrated into one?" Didn't they used to be known as Brad and Angelina? Is there a term used anywhere on this planet that can elicit a more severe cringe than "Brangelina"???????? If you are out there making your way in the real world, and your name is Ted and your wife is named Donna, are you going to announce to your friends and family that you want to be referred to as Tonna? What about nice little couple Fred and Lucy. Now you're Fucy??? And don't forget Louie and Susan? Now they're Loosin?
And the next question, of course, is "Who cares what they named their twins?" They have about fifty kids anyway, so the odds are that at least one of them is named Knox. But I digress. Why do we care anyway? The media annoints certain people as the yardstick by which the rest of us miserable sots must be compared. And we lap it up like a hungry dog at a diner.
The only other question of any real interest, (not that i care, of course) is this - Do they have to give up sex (with each other) if Angelina adopts Brad?
There are obviously two follow-up questions. First of all, "How did these two super-celebrities become integrated into one?" Didn't they used to be known as Brad and Angelina? Is there a term used anywhere on this planet that can elicit a more severe cringe than "Brangelina"???????? If you are out there making your way in the real world, and your name is Ted and your wife is named Donna, are you going to announce to your friends and family that you want to be referred to as Tonna? What about nice little couple Fred and Lucy. Now you're Fucy??? And don't forget Louie and Susan? Now they're Loosin?
And the next question, of course, is "Who cares what they named their twins?" They have about fifty kids anyway, so the odds are that at least one of them is named Knox. But I digress. Why do we care anyway? The media annoints certain people as the yardstick by which the rest of us miserable sots must be compared. And we lap it up like a hungry dog at a diner.
The only other question of any real interest, (not that i care, of course) is this - Do they have to give up sex (with each other) if Angelina adopts Brad?
Friday, July 11, 2008
Stupid Things People Say
When "Don't go there" wasn't fashionable, I hated it. Now that it's said with such horrid regularity, I hate it even more. If anyone says to me, "Don't go there", I am definitely going there.
"Hi Boss". What????? Complete strangers or strange people have said this to me, and i just want to gag. How am I your boss? If, in fact, I was your boss, I would fire your ass.
Two new expressions have sadly infiltrated baseball. To some announcers, a team doesn't "score" a run, they "plate" a run. Pass the tylenol. And a player who hits a home run now, apparently, has not hit one over the fence, or hit it out of the ballpark.........Nope, he has "gone yard". Who made that up?????? Someone seriously disturbed, obviously. I cringe as I type.
"My bad". No no. Try "I'm a very bad person." If I ever say "My bad", i will turn myself in.
"You can't have your cake and eat it too". Say what??? If I have a cake, what would exactly would I do with it if i didn't eat it? Talk to it? Toss it in the air like a pizza? If I have a cake, I'm eating it. And to suggest otherwise is simply depriving me of dessert.
"Hi Boss". What????? Complete strangers or strange people have said this to me, and i just want to gag. How am I your boss? If, in fact, I was your boss, I would fire your ass.
Two new expressions have sadly infiltrated baseball. To some announcers, a team doesn't "score" a run, they "plate" a run. Pass the tylenol. And a player who hits a home run now, apparently, has not hit one over the fence, or hit it out of the ballpark.........Nope, he has "gone yard". Who made that up?????? Someone seriously disturbed, obviously. I cringe as I type.
"My bad". No no. Try "I'm a very bad person." If I ever say "My bad", i will turn myself in.
"You can't have your cake and eat it too". Say what??? If I have a cake, what would exactly would I do with it if i didn't eat it? Talk to it? Toss it in the air like a pizza? If I have a cake, I'm eating it. And to suggest otherwise is simply depriving me of dessert.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Ten Good Things
Let's put cynicism aside for a moment. Ouch. It's hard. Deep breath. Here we go......Ten things that really do ease the insanity of the world.
1 - Seeing parents being kind and loving towards their little kids. When I see a guy in a mall with his little 5 year-old tagging along, and I hear Dad say with obvious affection, "Hey buddy, how are you doing?", I immediately feel better.
2 - Music. One of the world's saviours, music allows us to get lost in ourselves, and takes us, however briefly, completely off the hook from the madness that usually surrounds us. Everlasting thanks to rock and roll, especially The Beatles, Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan.
3 - Movies. Serves the same purpose as music, only with a different cast. And like music, you have to sift through the junk to find the good stuff, but it's well worth it.
4 - Books. Fantasy in fiction, and knowledge in non-fiction. A perfect break from the action.
5 - Spring Training baseball game in Lakeland, Florida. A classic way to hide from the world.
6 - Playing catch. The end of "Field of Dreams", where Kevin Costner plays catch with the spirit of his father, may be corny, but it does inspire goosebumps, and not just because it's the classic father and son bonding moment. More to the point - playing catch is just so much damn fun. Maybe it's my love of baseball, but I think anyone, sports fan or not, cannot find many activities more serene or perfect than tossing around a baseball.
7 - Junior Hockey in Kitchener, Ontario. Winter at its very best.
8 - David Letterman and "Seinfeld". Eternally silly, goofy, and really, really funny.
9 - Sitting near a beach, or a lake, and staring at the water. I don't like actually going into the water, but looking at it from a safe distance provides one heck of a peaceful feeling.
10 - Live concerts. If you love the artist, you can become immersed in the moment in a way that no one but you can really understand.
1 - Seeing parents being kind and loving towards their little kids. When I see a guy in a mall with his little 5 year-old tagging along, and I hear Dad say with obvious affection, "Hey buddy, how are you doing?", I immediately feel better.
2 - Music. One of the world's saviours, music allows us to get lost in ourselves, and takes us, however briefly, completely off the hook from the madness that usually surrounds us. Everlasting thanks to rock and roll, especially The Beatles, Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan.
3 - Movies. Serves the same purpose as music, only with a different cast. And like music, you have to sift through the junk to find the good stuff, but it's well worth it.
4 - Books. Fantasy in fiction, and knowledge in non-fiction. A perfect break from the action.
5 - Spring Training baseball game in Lakeland, Florida. A classic way to hide from the world.
6 - Playing catch. The end of "Field of Dreams", where Kevin Costner plays catch with the spirit of his father, may be corny, but it does inspire goosebumps, and not just because it's the classic father and son bonding moment. More to the point - playing catch is just so much damn fun. Maybe it's my love of baseball, but I think anyone, sports fan or not, cannot find many activities more serene or perfect than tossing around a baseball.
7 - Junior Hockey in Kitchener, Ontario. Winter at its very best.
8 - David Letterman and "Seinfeld". Eternally silly, goofy, and really, really funny.
9 - Sitting near a beach, or a lake, and staring at the water. I don't like actually going into the water, but looking at it from a safe distance provides one heck of a peaceful feeling.
10 - Live concerts. If you love the artist, you can become immersed in the moment in a way that no one but you can really understand.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Ten Horizontal (or Vertical) Positions
1 - Most of the stuff on t.v. is junk. Comedies for people with single digit IQ's, phony reality shows, and endless forensic-based programs. Ugh. A few exceptions - Curb Your Enthusiasm, Letterman, Seinfeld reruns, Sabres hockey and Detroit Tigers baseball. That's it. O.k a couple more......Dexter and Stewie. Actually, those two aren't that dissimilar.
2 - If you've ever been called a "horse's ass", have you wondered if you do, in fact, resemble a horse's ass?
3 - If the world's most pretentious people had a pretense-off, who would win? Sting, Madonna,
Donald Trump's rats nest, or Tony Robbins' chiclets?
4 - Why do we use the term "pull the wool over your eyes"? Why wool? Why not a curtain, or even a towel, or cloud? Why wool? Makes no sense. A wool what? Sweater? Scarf? Why not, "Hey Steve, sounds like he really pulled the garage door over your eyes!" It's just as stupid.
5 - I bought an Ice Cap the other day, and the thing was half full. I said to the server, "So, its only half full." And she said, "The machine automatically makes them that way." And i thought,
"No it doesn't. I have had many of these things and the cup is always full......to the top". But I didn't say this aloud, because like so many people, I hate to complain about the little, inane things of life. Makes me feel like a complaining weasel. However, the older I get, the closer I get to saying things like, "Well if it's half full, here's half the money". I really hope i can get there.
6 - Why do convenience store clerks, after you have bought your gum or your little bag of cheesies, ask, "Would you like any lottery tickets?" How do you respond to that? "Oh of course, I forgot, give me 50 dollars worth of losing lottery tickets please." I spend a few bucks on lotteries, but there is no chance I am buying one if I'm asked. I hate that! It's worse than "Any fries with that?"
7 - If you're a woman, please fell free to wear sandals, or whatever kind of open-toe footwear you can find. But if you are male, and over 5 years old, please only wear something that completely covers your ugly little toes. Pretty please.
8 - I listen to sports talk radio, mostly for information, sometimes for entertainment (Schoop and the Bulldog, Bob McCown, Jim Rome, Colin Cowherd), but never for the endless stooges who call in from their little basements with their dopey little comments. In the case of calls made to the Schoop and the Bulldog show, the callers are almost exclusively met with ridicule by host Mike Schoop. And his ridicule is usually completely justified. The role of the caller, in most cases, on most shows, is simply to make the rest of us out in radio land feel better about our own muddled opinions.
9 - I recently saw a little 72 year old little man with a voice that resonates from a place where no one else can even imagine, give a concert to a full house, and it was one of the best shows I've ever seen. Few entertainers anywhere are as gifted and inspirational as Leonard Cohen.
10 - If you were lucky enough to own a race horse, would you burden yourself (and the poor horse) with a name like Lucky Boy on a Magical Ride, or Silver Moon Over a Cloudless Sky, or something like No Telling How Much Money We Can Make? What do you call these horses when you are feeding them or patting their little manes? "Hey there big fella, what should I call you today? "No"? How about "Telling"? Or "How"? "Much"? "Money"? Well, let's just go with "Much" today, o.k.? There you go, "Much", good boy. If I ever buy a horse, I'm naming him
Bob.
2 - If you've ever been called a "horse's ass", have you wondered if you do, in fact, resemble a horse's ass?
3 - If the world's most pretentious people had a pretense-off, who would win? Sting, Madonna,
Donald Trump's rats nest, or Tony Robbins' chiclets?
4 - Why do we use the term "pull the wool over your eyes"? Why wool? Why not a curtain, or even a towel, or cloud? Why wool? Makes no sense. A wool what? Sweater? Scarf? Why not, "Hey Steve, sounds like he really pulled the garage door over your eyes!" It's just as stupid.
5 - I bought an Ice Cap the other day, and the thing was half full. I said to the server, "So, its only half full." And she said, "The machine automatically makes them that way." And i thought,
"No it doesn't. I have had many of these things and the cup is always full......to the top". But I didn't say this aloud, because like so many people, I hate to complain about the little, inane things of life. Makes me feel like a complaining weasel. However, the older I get, the closer I get to saying things like, "Well if it's half full, here's half the money". I really hope i can get there.
6 - Why do convenience store clerks, after you have bought your gum or your little bag of cheesies, ask, "Would you like any lottery tickets?" How do you respond to that? "Oh of course, I forgot, give me 50 dollars worth of losing lottery tickets please." I spend a few bucks on lotteries, but there is no chance I am buying one if I'm asked. I hate that! It's worse than "Any fries with that?"
7 - If you're a woman, please fell free to wear sandals, or whatever kind of open-toe footwear you can find. But if you are male, and over 5 years old, please only wear something that completely covers your ugly little toes. Pretty please.
8 - I listen to sports talk radio, mostly for information, sometimes for entertainment (Schoop and the Bulldog, Bob McCown, Jim Rome, Colin Cowherd), but never for the endless stooges who call in from their little basements with their dopey little comments. In the case of calls made to the Schoop and the Bulldog show, the callers are almost exclusively met with ridicule by host Mike Schoop. And his ridicule is usually completely justified. The role of the caller, in most cases, on most shows, is simply to make the rest of us out in radio land feel better about our own muddled opinions.
9 - I recently saw a little 72 year old little man with a voice that resonates from a place where no one else can even imagine, give a concert to a full house, and it was one of the best shows I've ever seen. Few entertainers anywhere are as gifted and inspirational as Leonard Cohen.
10 - If you were lucky enough to own a race horse, would you burden yourself (and the poor horse) with a name like Lucky Boy on a Magical Ride, or Silver Moon Over a Cloudless Sky, or something like No Telling How Much Money We Can Make? What do you call these horses when you are feeding them or patting their little manes? "Hey there big fella, what should I call you today? "No"? How about "Telling"? Or "How"? "Much"? "Money"? Well, let's just go with "Much" today, o.k.? There you go, "Much", good boy. If I ever buy a horse, I'm naming him
Bob.
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