Ten Horizontal (or Vertical) Positions

1 - Most of the stuff on t.v. is junk. Comedies for people with single digit IQ's, phony reality shows, and endless forensic-based programs. Ugh. A few exceptions - Curb Your Enthusiasm, Letterman, Seinfeld reruns, Sabres hockey and Detroit Tigers baseball. That's it. O.k a couple more......Dexter and Stewie. Actually, those two aren't that dissimilar.

2 - If you've ever been called a "horse's ass", have you wondered if you do, in fact, resemble a horse's ass?

3 - If the world's most pretentious people had a pretense-off, who would win? Sting, Madonna,
Donald Trump's rats nest, or Tony Robbins' chiclets?

4 - Why do we use the term "pull the wool over your eyes"? Why wool? Why not a curtain, or even a towel, or cloud? Why wool? Makes no sense. A wool what? Sweater? Scarf? Why not, "Hey Steve, sounds like he really pulled the garage door over your eyes!" It's just as stupid.

5 - I bought an Ice Cap the other day, and the thing was half full. I said to the server, "So, its only half full." And she said, "The machine automatically makes them that way." And i thought,
"No it doesn't. I have had many of these things and the cup is always full......to the top". But I didn't say this aloud, because like so many people, I hate to complain about the little, inane things of life. Makes me feel like a complaining weasel. However, the older I get, the closer I get to saying things like, "Well if it's half full, here's half the money". I really hope i can get there.

6 - Why do convenience store clerks, after you have bought your gum or your little bag of cheesies, ask, "Would you like any lottery tickets?" How do you respond to that? "Oh of course, I forgot, give me 50 dollars worth of losing lottery tickets please." I spend a few bucks on lotteries, but there is no chance I am buying one if I'm asked. I hate that! It's worse than "Any fries with that?"

7 - If you're a woman, please fell free to wear sandals, or whatever kind of open-toe footwear you can find. But if you are male, and over 5 years old, please only wear something that completely covers your ugly little toes. Pretty please.

8 - I listen to sports talk radio, mostly for information, sometimes for entertainment (Schoop and the Bulldog, Bob McCown, Jim Rome, Colin Cowherd), but never for the endless stooges who call in from their little basements with their dopey little comments. In the case of calls made to the Schoop and the Bulldog show, the callers are almost exclusively met with ridicule by host Mike Schoop. And his ridicule is usually completely justified. The role of the caller, in most cases, on most shows, is simply to make the rest of us out in radio land feel better about our own muddled opinions.

9 - I recently saw a little 72 year old little man with a voice that resonates from a place where no one else can even imagine, give a concert to a full house, and it was one of the best shows I've ever seen. Few entertainers anywhere are as gifted and inspirational as Leonard Cohen.

10 - If you were lucky enough to own a race horse, would you burden yourself (and the poor horse) with a name like Lucky Boy on a Magical Ride, or Silver Moon Over a Cloudless Sky, or something like No Telling How Much Money We Can Make? What do you call these horses when you are feeding them or patting their little manes? "Hey there big fella, what should I call you today? "No"? How about "Telling"? Or "How"? "Much"? "Money"? Well, let's just go with "Much" today, o.k.? There you go, "Much", good boy. If I ever buy a horse, I'm naming him
Bob.