1 - Glove Guy - This is the guy who walks around the track wearing gloves........the ones with the fingers missing. What is that? Aren't you supposed to be in the weight room? Maybe he just wants his hands protected in case he scratches his ass.
2 - Fast-Walking Guy - Beyond annoying. This is the guy who flies by you while he is WALKING. You could be running at an Olympic-like speed, and this guy will breeze by you like you're napping in a hammock. There is no one in the Gym who is more deserving of a face first dive into the cement.
3 - Grunting Guy - This is the guy who should be either making these noises in the dumpster, or with his favorite hooker. Hey, buddy, it's a five pound weight you're lifting, not John Goodman.
4 - Wife-Beater Shirt Guy - If you're over ten, wear a t-shirt. These shoulder-baring atrocities belong in hell. Along with your nutter shorts that you stole from an NBA game in 1955.
5 - Water-Spilling Guy - This is the "courteous" pinhead who walks around the track gulping from his bottle of water, managing to actually swallow only a fraction of his little beverage. The rest of the water tumbles to the track, forcing those of us who are following him to look around for a goddamn canoe.
6- Stretching Guy - This genius stretches for three hours, then does one sit up, rides the bike for ten seconds and walks around the track once. Yes you're limber. Wow. You should be Rubber Man at the local freak show. But you don't belong here, because.......YOU'RE NOT WORKING OUT!!!
7 - Cologne-Wearing Guy. This nitwit showers, and coats himself with enough Cologne to make the Unibomber smell nice. Hey, buddy, we get it. You'd dont stink. Great. Now get the hell outa here.
8 - Towel Guy - This guy should be quarantined. He dries himself with the vigor of a bull trying to dislodge a cowboy. It's hard to believe he has any skin left, and it's even harder to believe he somehow managed to get the towel out of his ass. Can you say, Ugh?
9 - Loud Guy - The doofus who is speaking to one person, but obviously wants the entire locker room to hear his tales of weight loss, acupuncture, tummy tucks, and diets. Hey........you! None of it's working.......You're still ugly. Now shut the hell up!
10 - Naked Shaving Guy - Who shaves naked at home, let alone in public? Watching three old farts spread side by side in front of the locker room mirror shaving, wearing nothing but shaving cream is both unsettling and gross. Put on anything.....a towel, a fig leaf, a barrel.....Have mercy on us.......Please.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Facebookmania
I have a friend. Let's call him Bill (which, as fate would have it, is his real name). Bill is a facebook addict with thousands of "best pals" stretching from his home in Waterloo, Ontario to somewhere in the Arctic.
From the comfort of her igloo, Yoskolo sends daily updates about her life (I made a snowman today!) to Bill, who manages to write her several times a day. The name Yoskolo, by the way, means "breaking off sugar-pine cones." To commemorate his 1000th note to Yoskolo, Bill went to a nearby forest, and, naturally, broke off a sugar-pine cone.
"I take my facebook responsibilities very seriously", Bill told me. "I have a friend in Russia named Yevgeniy. Lovely guy. Anyway, recently he had to undergo a minor medical procedure on his foot. So for good luck, I carried a ruble around with me all day. And guess what? Y (I call him Y) had successful surgery and is now walking with the ease of a panther."
Happily married, Bill avoids the pitfalls of many online friendships. Recently a twentyish young beauty from Spain named Concepcion, made a gentle suggestion to Bill that they might meet for, as she wrote, "a little in-person facebook meet-and-greet."
Always prepared, Bill already knew the meaning of young Concepcion's name, and consequently realized this was one trip he was not about to make. Concepcion's name meant "fertile one". Naturally, he smoothly rebuffed her invitation, simply writing, "My dear internet friend, I fear it will be many years before i visit Spain. Please feel free to pursue your desires, and while doing so, keep my friendship close to your heart. And besides, my wife would kill me."
Billy R. Smooth as silk.
From the comfort of her igloo, Yoskolo sends daily updates about her life (I made a snowman today!) to Bill, who manages to write her several times a day. The name Yoskolo, by the way, means "breaking off sugar-pine cones." To commemorate his 1000th note to Yoskolo, Bill went to a nearby forest, and, naturally, broke off a sugar-pine cone.
"I take my facebook responsibilities very seriously", Bill told me. "I have a friend in Russia named Yevgeniy. Lovely guy. Anyway, recently he had to undergo a minor medical procedure on his foot. So for good luck, I carried a ruble around with me all day. And guess what? Y (I call him Y) had successful surgery and is now walking with the ease of a panther."
Happily married, Bill avoids the pitfalls of many online friendships. Recently a twentyish young beauty from Spain named Concepcion, made a gentle suggestion to Bill that they might meet for, as she wrote, "a little in-person facebook meet-and-greet."
Always prepared, Bill already knew the meaning of young Concepcion's name, and consequently realized this was one trip he was not about to make. Concepcion's name meant "fertile one". Naturally, he smoothly rebuffed her invitation, simply writing, "My dear internet friend, I fear it will be many years before i visit Spain. Please feel free to pursue your desires, and while doing so, keep my friendship close to your heart. And besides, my wife would kill me."
Billy R. Smooth as silk.
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