Missing Chicklets

Recently, while flipping channels, i came across a bunch of apparent hillbillies driving around a track in homemade jalopy's. The purpose wasn't clear. What was clear was the brief interview with three of these drivers. Between them they had three teeth. One guy, an older coot, had two of them. His son, who appeared to be about 80, had one lonely tooth, and the grandson, who was maybe 50 was toothless. No one says these gross little kooks need to look like Tony Robbins, but this was quite a reminder for all of us to make a dentist appointment.

Seriously

Seriously, is there anything more boring than football?

Seriously, aren't the people who fawn and drool over Paris Hilton a million times more pathetic than she is?

Seriously, if you love baseball, and haven't watched a spring training game live, you are legally insane.

Seriously, how many people would you trust with your life. Really.

Seriously, has there ever been a t.v. character funnier than George Costanza?

Seriously, being licked on the face by a little puppy is rejuvenating.

Seriously, if Johnny Carson was the best, and David Letterman a deserving second best, where would you put Jimmy Kimmel? How do people like Kimmel get t.v. shows? Seriously, what is the deal with that?

Seriously, is Larry King a frog? Every time i see that guy, it appears he is coming closer and closer to turning into Kermit.

Seriously, wouldn't any guy want to be as cool as Clint Eastwood, Robert DeNiro, Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, George Clooney, Bruce Springsteen, and Tom Waits?

Seriously, wouldn't it be fun to own a horse?

Seriously, unless we know virutally nothing about math, isn't it completely nuts to buy lottery tickets?

Seriously, has there ever been a better album cover than Rubber Soul? No there has not.

Paul Newman

Paul Newman starred in my favorite movie of all time - Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. He was beyond cool, and remained so until the day he died. But donating over 250 million dollars to charities is no doubt the legacy for which he would want to be most remembered. Included in his charitable work was, and continues to be, the wonderful Hole In the Wall Gang camps, founded by Paul in 1998. These amazing camps, operating all over the world, allow children with serious illnesses to enjoy the beauty of childhood. As stated on the official website of the Hole in the Wall Gang...

"They (the camps) all share a common mission, which is to build self-esteem and restore joy to children who suffer from serious illnesses."

To everyone who donates their time and money to selflessness and charitable pursuits, here's a tip of the hat, and endless admiration, to all the Paul Newman's of the world.

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

In order, of course, as per the title........

1. Jerry Seinfeld, Donald Trump, Donald Trump.

2. Bill Gates, Ellen DeShutthehellup, Joan Rivers.

3. David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Larry King.

4. Bob Dylan, Celine Diondong, Steve Tyler.

5. Baseball, Soccer, Cricket.

6. Proper grammar, Bad grammar, You's.

7. Stewie, Brian Mulroney, Ben Mulroney.

8. Robert DeNiro, Keanu Reeves, Carrot Top.

9. Summer, Winter, Sudbury.

10. Hank Aaron, Barry Bonds, Randy Johnson.

11. Traveling Wilbury's, Spice Girls, Kid Rock.

12. Dexter, Survivor, Dancing with the Idiots.

13. Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, Clay Aiken.

14. Ernie Harwell, Ken Harrelson, Ken Harrelson.

15. A Hard Day's Night, Pauly Shore movies, Dr. Phil.

16. Detroit Tigers home uniforms, Buffalo Sabres slug jersey, the doofus who puts his own name on his personal jersey.

17. Open-air stadiums, astroturf, Rogers Centre.

18. A well-constructed sentence, Repetition repetition, Speling erors.

19. Sex, No sex, Sex with Rosie O'Donnell.

20. Bruce Springsteen, Rick Springfield, Jerry Springer.

Pee Pee Pain

It's always a real hoot to sit back and watch someone else squirm. Squirm, as in, holding "it" in, until an available rest stop makes an appearance.

Of course we're talking about having to go potty without the pot. And if you are in a jeep full of man-children, it's a real blast, providing you are not the unfortunate sap whose eyes are beginning to turn yellow.

Recently, I was lucky enough NOT be on the receiving end of this knee-squeezing horror. I was also even luckier to be driving. Meaning that a friend of mine......let's call him Bill (since that's his name), was at my mercy. And who doesn't enjoy watching a good friend turn inside out while his weenie begins to feel like Mount Vesuvius? Exactly. Nobody.

When the begging crossed the line from amusing to desperation, I exited the 401, and found a car pool. "Is this o.k.?" I asked. "ANYWHERE IS O.K. YOU ASS!!!", Bill screamed. Well, I thought that was kind of funny, so I thought driving around the parking lot might be worth a chuckle or two. And it sure was. Everybody really thought that was funny. Except Bill of course, whose body was convulsing.

On the fourth time around the car pool, I thought I should probably stop, and increase my odds for living. I considered a fifth trip around (just for the nostalgia), but i thought the chances of Bill peeing on me might be pretty good, so i scrapped that idea. So out the door Bill leapt, out came Mr. Wee Wee, and so began a flood that brought Noah's ark to mind. The sound of that kind of pent up misery hitting pavement is deafening. And naturally, damn funny. Well, of course Bill didn't think it was that funny. When he emptied the tank ten minutes later, next to a very unlucky shiny Porsche, we were all happy (except the Porsche of course, which could be seen floating towards a nearby cornfield).

It's true. Suffering can be fun. Providing you are driving and your pal has a gyser in his pants.

Ten Very Bad Things at the Y

1 - Glove Guy - This is the guy who walks around the track wearing gloves........the ones with the fingers missing. What is that? Aren't you supposed to be in the weight room? Maybe he just wants his hands protected in case he scratches his ass.

2 - Fast-Walking Guy - Beyond annoying. This is the guy who flies by you while he is WALKING. You could be running at an Olympic-like speed, and this guy will breeze by you like you're napping in a hammock. There is no one in the Gym who is more deserving of a face first dive into the cement.

3 - Grunting Guy - This is the guy who should be either making these noises in the dumpster, or with his favorite hooker. Hey, buddy, it's a five pound weight you're lifting, not John Goodman.

4 - Wife-Beater Shirt Guy - If you're over ten, wear a t-shirt. These shoulder-baring atrocities belong in hell. Along with your nutter shorts that you stole from an NBA game in 1955.

5 - Water-Spilling Guy - This is the "courteous" pinhead who walks around the track gulping from his bottle of water, managing to actually swallow only a fraction of his little beverage. The rest of the water tumbles to the track, forcing those of us who are following him to look around for a goddamn canoe.

6- Stretching Guy - This genius stretches for three hours, then does one sit up, rides the bike for ten seconds and walks around the track once. Yes you're limber. Wow. You should be Rubber Man at the local freak show. But you don't belong here, because.......YOU'RE NOT WORKING OUT!!!

7 - Cologne-Wearing Guy. This nitwit showers, and coats himself with enough Cologne to make the Unibomber smell nice. Hey, buddy, we get it. You'd dont stink. Great. Now get the hell outa here.

8 - Towel Guy - This guy should be quarantined. He dries himself with the vigor of a bull trying to dislodge a cowboy. It's hard to believe he has any skin left, and it's even harder to believe he somehow managed to get the towel out of his ass. Can you say, Ugh?

9 - Loud Guy - The doofus who is speaking to one person, but obviously wants the entire locker room to hear his tales of weight loss, acupuncture, tummy tucks, and diets. Hey........you! None of it's working.......You're still ugly. Now shut the hell up!

10 - Naked Shaving Guy - Who shaves naked at home, let alone in public? Watching three old farts spread side by side in front of the locker room mirror shaving, wearing nothing but shaving cream is both unsettling and gross. Put on anything.....a towel, a fig leaf, a barrel.....Have mercy on us.......Please.

Facebookmania

I have a friend. Let's call him Bill (which, as fate would have it, is his real name). Bill is a facebook addict with thousands of "best pals" stretching from his home in Waterloo, Ontario to somewhere in the Arctic.

From the comfort of her igloo, Yoskolo sends daily updates about her life (I made a snowman today!) to Bill, who manages to write her several times a day. The name Yoskolo, by the way, means "breaking off sugar-pine cones." To commemorate his 1000th note to Yoskolo, Bill went to a nearby forest, and, naturally, broke off a sugar-pine cone.

"I take my facebook responsibilities very seriously", Bill told me. "I have a friend in Russia named Yevgeniy. Lovely guy. Anyway, recently he had to undergo a minor medical procedure on his foot. So for good luck, I carried a ruble around with me all day. And guess what? Y (I call him Y) had successful surgery and is now walking with the ease of a panther."

Happily married, Bill avoids the pitfalls of many online friendships. Recently a twentyish young beauty from Spain named Concepcion, made a gentle suggestion to Bill that they might meet for, as she wrote, "a little in-person facebook meet-and-greet."
Always prepared, Bill already knew the meaning of young Concepcion's name, and consequently realized this was one trip he was not about to make. Concepcion's name meant "fertile one". Naturally, he smoothly rebuffed her invitation, simply writing, "My dear internet friend, I fear it will be many years before i visit Spain. Please feel free to pursue your desires, and while doing so, keep my friendship close to your heart. And besides, my wife would kill me."

Billy R. Smooth as silk.