Front Seat/Back Seat

Some people are simply meant to sit in a car's front seat. Some are not. Big bully brother always sits in the front. Little 45-pound sister sits in the back. Scheming brat sits up front. Geek with crooked chiclets parks his arse in the back.


In the world of the rich and famous, there is little doubt who would sit where if these duo's shared a vehicle:


Robert DeNiro sits up front. Pauly Shore sits in the back.

Jerry Seinfeld sits up front. Bob Saget? Guess.

McCartney's hoffner - Up front. Tommy Lee's drums - Back seat, and please dont play.

Walter Cronkite - Let me get the door for you. Larry King - You can look like a frog in the back.

Bruce Springsteen - Front seat (and you can't get out!). Clay Aiken - Back seat, and shut the hell up.

A horse's ass - front seat. Tom Cruise - the trunk.

Clint Eastwood - He could be 100 , and no one on earth would challenge his spot up front. Keanu Reeves - sit in the back with the other mannequin's.

Gillian Anderson - Up front, and can i get you a pillow? Louie Anderson - In the back, buddy. Sorry I don't have a shoehorn.

Ron Howard - Opie, Richie, big-time director, modest, popular, nice guy - Up front, Ronny. Jerry Mathers - Leave it to Beaver to be this atrocious looking. Sit in the back Beav, and don't smile. Please.

Chris Rock - Front seat, Chris. Jimmy Fallon - makes Adam Sandler look like Al Pacino. Sit in the back and chant "I'm not funny."

Sean Connery - Seat. Front Seat. Mickey Rooney - back seat and please fasten your muzzle.

Hank Aaron - Front seat of course. You have to promise to tell the driver baseball stories. Barry Bonds - back seat...behind Hank. Where you belong. Get it??

Meryl Streep - Front seat. And please bring your laugh. Kathy Griffin - back seat with three pairs of heavy duty wool socks jammed into your frothing yapper.

B.B. King - Front seat, and bring your guitar. Carrot Top - back seat, preferrably laying down. B.B. doesnt want that clown wig anywhere near him.

...And finally........Eddie Munster - front seat pal, and nice widow's peak! The Olsen Twins - in the trunk with Cruise.

Naked Old Men

Is there anything more unpleasant than the sight of naked old men lounging around a locker room? No. It's bad enough that these misshapen oldtimers, displaying sagging titties, flabby asses, and grotesque beer guts, take off their clothes to shower. As disturbing as that thought is, consider the following:

-These old farts delight in engaging in long conversations with fellow naked fat men. Who in their right mind would want to talk about their latest bout with constipation while dangling their withered weenies in full view of soon-to-be-sick-club members??? Exactly. Nobody.

-Naked cell phone calls. Yup, come out of the shower, grab a phone, put a naked leg up on the bench, and call home. Great. Pass the aspirin.

-Naked television. No, i don't mean porn t.v. I mean naked old goats sitting on the horrified couch watching t.v. Hey, you nitwits ever heard of a towel??????? Obviously not.

A mandatory rule for all Health Clubs - If you are an old unattractive sack of shit, please, please, put on a suit of armour the second you leave the shower. And please remember, bathing suits are encouraged during showering. Thank you.

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It's a chopper, baby

"Pulp Fiction" is loaded with terrific dialogue. ("royale with cheese", "there ain't no more me and you", "Hamburgers: the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast") but the exchange between Bruce Willis's Butch and his girlfriend Fabienne is the best -

                 "Fabian - Where did you get this motorcycle?
                           
                     Butch-(he KICK-STARTS it)
                      It's a chopper, baby, hop on.

                    Fabienne-  Butch, whose motorcycle is this?
                          
                      Butch - It's a chopper.
                                
                    Fabienne-  Whose chopper is this?
                            
                      Butch - Zed's.

                     Fabienne - Who's Zed?

                     Butch - Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead."

Who among us wouldn't like to say, just once (and mean it)- It's a chopper, baby.

Annoying Dopes

Ten of the most annoying people on earth (naturally they are famous).

Pete Rose - With an IQ of an eggplant, he hocks his autograph on a table around the corner from the Baseball Hall of Fame. They should ban him from that table too.

Celine Dion - The screeching horse-face got married in Cleopatra-like style. Any other questions?

Jay Leno - He "forgot" to thank Johnny Carson when he replaced the late night icon. Whoops. And i forgot to laugh at anything he has said since. Whoops. I mean, I have never watched him since. Pretty easy to do, since David Letterman is about a million times funnier.

Rosie O'Donnell - A horrifyingly shrill voice, a face that screams "Herman Munster", and the tact of a grizzly bear eating beer cans.

Paris Hilton - Famous for being rich. A no-talent dipstick with the face of a pelican and the personality of a dead battery.

Madonna - She speaks with a thicker british accent than Prince Charles. Where did she find it?
Michigan? California? Up her egotistical ass???

Every contestant on every reality show - None of it is real. Fake, fake, fake. Why anyone who isn't completely insane would want to follow the phony adventures of some plastic doofus on an island is beyond reason.

Jim Belushi - This slob has been starring in a horrible t.v. show for about 50 years. What does that say about the viewing public? It says the public is generally nuts.

Jimmy Kimmel - Annoying as this hack is, he also gives hope to all of us. If he can have a show, then damnit, so can I! And so could you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you.........

TomCruiseandJohnTravolta - They both are in a league of their own in the world of pretentiousness, so I'm going to assume they are the same person (Cruise gets top billing, because he is slightly more revolting that Johnny Revolta.) Phony smiles, phony hair (what is that on your head, John???????), plastic Stepford-like personalities. Cringe at your convenience, people.

A Bad, Bad Look

For those of you who need reassurance that you are not the uncoolest, worst dressed person on earth, consider the following:

While attending a spring training game in Florida, i saw a guy who was adorned with the worst collection of "stuff" i have ever witnessed, including:

Sandals with black wool socks that were yanked up past his knees.

A far too small #2 Yankees jersey, with the name "Peacock" printed on the back. (The Yankees, of course, don't print names on their jersey's. It would be bad enough if "Jeter" was printed on the damn thing, but "Peacock"??????? Causes even non-Yankee fans among us to tear up).

Tight, lime-green, nut-hugging shorts that were yanked up so high, they appeared to be strangling him.

A pink, ill-fitting Mets cap. Yes, a Mets cap. Perhaps he couldnt tell the difference between the astoundingly different NY's.

Giant, old-guy sunglasses, with, naturally, duct tape holding them together.

A thick camera strap that weighed 100 pounds if it weighed an ounce. Attached to the strap was a camera that featured a lens that was only slightly smaller than Don Zimmer. (Unfortunately, the lens still wasn't big enough to hide his jiggling, bulging, ghost-white belly).

A "moustache" that consisted of one black hair, one red hair, and a third hair whose color could not be positively identified.

And my favorite...bright red batting gloves......on each hand........honestly.

In The Hole

Is there anything more irritating than the so-called golf "fan" who screams "In the hole!!!!!!!" whenever a golfer hits a shot? It's bad enough when the shot is a five foot putt, but when one of these stooges screams "In the hole!!!" at a guy who is setting up his tee shot on a 650 yard hole, anyone with a grain of reason in their heads surely wants to kill, or at least maim these brain-fried pinheads. Nothing short of a long prison term should be considered for punishment.