Seriously

Seriously, is there anything more boring than football?

Seriously, aren't the people who fawn and drool over Paris Hilton a million times more pathetic than she is?

Seriously, if you love baseball, and haven't watched a spring training game live, you are legally insane.

Seriously, how many people would you trust with your life. Really.

Seriously, has there ever been a t.v. character funnier than George Costanza?

Seriously, being licked on the face by a little puppy is rejuvenating.

Seriously, if Johnny Carson was the best, and David Letterman a deserving second best, where would you put Jimmy Kimmel? How do people like Kimmel get t.v. shows? Seriously, what is the deal with that?

Seriously, is Larry King a frog? Every time i see that guy, it appears he is coming closer and closer to turning into Kermit.

Seriously, wouldn't any guy want to be as cool as Clint Eastwood, Robert DeNiro, Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, George Clooney, Bruce Springsteen, and Tom Waits?

Seriously, wouldn't it be fun to own a horse?

Seriously, unless we know virutally nothing about math, isn't it completely nuts to buy lottery tickets?

Seriously, has there ever been a better album cover than Rubber Soul? No there has not.

Paul Newman

Paul Newman starred in my favorite movie of all time - Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. He was beyond cool, and remained so until the day he died. But donating over 250 million dollars to charities is no doubt the legacy for which he would want to be most remembered. Included in his charitable work was, and continues to be, the wonderful Hole In the Wall Gang camps, founded by Paul in 1998. These amazing camps, operating all over the world, allow children with serious illnesses to enjoy the beauty of childhood. As stated on the official website of the Hole in the Wall Gang...

"They (the camps) all share a common mission, which is to build self-esteem and restore joy to children who suffer from serious illnesses."

To everyone who donates their time and money to selflessness and charitable pursuits, here's a tip of the hat, and endless admiration, to all the Paul Newman's of the world.

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

In order, of course, as per the title........

1. Jerry Seinfeld, Donald Trump, Donald Trump.

2. Bill Gates, Ellen DeShutthehellup, Joan Rivers.

3. David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Larry King.

4. Bob Dylan, Celine Diondong, Steve Tyler.

5. Baseball, Soccer, Cricket.

6. Proper grammar, Bad grammar, You's.

7. Stewie, Brian Mulroney, Ben Mulroney.

8. Robert DeNiro, Keanu Reeves, Carrot Top.

9. Summer, Winter, Sudbury.

10. Hank Aaron, Barry Bonds, Randy Johnson.

11. Traveling Wilbury's, Spice Girls, Kid Rock.

12. Dexter, Survivor, Dancing with the Idiots.

13. Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, Clay Aiken.

14. Ernie Harwell, Ken Harrelson, Ken Harrelson.

15. A Hard Day's Night, Pauly Shore movies, Dr. Phil.

16. Detroit Tigers home uniforms, Buffalo Sabres slug jersey, the doofus who puts his own name on his personal jersey.

17. Open-air stadiums, astroturf, Rogers Centre.

18. A well-constructed sentence, Repetition repetition, Speling erors.

19. Sex, No sex, Sex with Rosie O'Donnell.

20. Bruce Springsteen, Rick Springfield, Jerry Springer.

Pee Pee Pain

It's always a real hoot to sit back and watch someone else squirm. Squirm, as in, holding "it" in, until an available rest stop makes an appearance.

Of course we're talking about having to go potty without the pot. And if you are in a jeep full of man-children, it's a real blast, providing you are not the unfortunate sap whose eyes are beginning to turn yellow.

Recently, I was lucky enough NOT be on the receiving end of this knee-squeezing horror. I was also even luckier to be driving. Meaning that a friend of mine......let's call him Bill (since that's his name), was at my mercy. And who doesn't enjoy watching a good friend turn inside out while his weenie begins to feel like Mount Vesuvius? Exactly. Nobody.

When the begging crossed the line from amusing to desperation, I exited the 401, and found a car pool. "Is this o.k.?" I asked. "ANYWHERE IS O.K. YOU ASS!!!", Bill screamed. Well, I thought that was kind of funny, so I thought driving around the parking lot might be worth a chuckle or two. And it sure was. Everybody really thought that was funny. Except Bill of course, whose body was convulsing.

On the fourth time around the car pool, I thought I should probably stop, and increase my odds for living. I considered a fifth trip around (just for the nostalgia), but i thought the chances of Bill peeing on me might be pretty good, so i scrapped that idea. So out the door Bill leapt, out came Mr. Wee Wee, and so began a flood that brought Noah's ark to mind. The sound of that kind of pent up misery hitting pavement is deafening. And naturally, damn funny. Well, of course Bill didn't think it was that funny. When he emptied the tank ten minutes later, next to a very unlucky shiny Porsche, we were all happy (except the Porsche of course, which could be seen floating towards a nearby cornfield).

It's true. Suffering can be fun. Providing you are driving and your pal has a gyser in his pants.

Ten Very Bad Things at the Y

1 - Glove Guy - This is the guy who walks around the track wearing gloves........the ones with the fingers missing. What is that? Aren't you supposed to be in the weight room? Maybe he just wants his hands protected in case he scratches his ass.

2 - Fast-Walking Guy - Beyond annoying. This is the guy who flies by you while he is WALKING. You could be running at an Olympic-like speed, and this guy will breeze by you like you're napping in a hammock. There is no one in the Gym who is more deserving of a face first dive into the cement.

3 - Grunting Guy - This is the guy who should be either making these noises in the dumpster, or with his favorite hooker. Hey, buddy, it's a five pound weight you're lifting, not John Goodman.

4 - Wife-Beater Shirt Guy - If you're over ten, wear a t-shirt. These shoulder-baring atrocities belong in hell. Along with your nutter shorts that you stole from an NBA game in 1955.

5 - Water-Spilling Guy - This is the "courteous" pinhead who walks around the track gulping from his bottle of water, managing to actually swallow only a fraction of his little beverage. The rest of the water tumbles to the track, forcing those of us who are following him to look around for a goddamn canoe.

6- Stretching Guy - This genius stretches for three hours, then does one sit up, rides the bike for ten seconds and walks around the track once. Yes you're limber. Wow. You should be Rubber Man at the local freak show. But you don't belong here, because.......YOU'RE NOT WORKING OUT!!!

7 - Cologne-Wearing Guy. This nitwit showers, and coats himself with enough Cologne to make the Unibomber smell nice. Hey, buddy, we get it. You'd dont stink. Great. Now get the hell outa here.

8 - Towel Guy - This guy should be quarantined. He dries himself with the vigor of a bull trying to dislodge a cowboy. It's hard to believe he has any skin left, and it's even harder to believe he somehow managed to get the towel out of his ass. Can you say, Ugh?

9 - Loud Guy - The doofus who is speaking to one person, but obviously wants the entire locker room to hear his tales of weight loss, acupuncture, tummy tucks, and diets. Hey........you! None of it's working.......You're still ugly. Now shut the hell up!

10 - Naked Shaving Guy - Who shaves naked at home, let alone in public? Watching three old farts spread side by side in front of the locker room mirror shaving, wearing nothing but shaving cream is both unsettling and gross. Put on anything.....a towel, a fig leaf, a barrel.....Have mercy on us.......Please.

Facebookmania

I have a friend. Let's call him Bill (which, as fate would have it, is his real name). Bill is a facebook addict with thousands of "best pals" stretching from his home in Waterloo, Ontario to somewhere in the Arctic.

From the comfort of her igloo, Yoskolo sends daily updates about her life (I made a snowman today!) to Bill, who manages to write her several times a day. The name Yoskolo, by the way, means "breaking off sugar-pine cones." To commemorate his 1000th note to Yoskolo, Bill went to a nearby forest, and, naturally, broke off a sugar-pine cone.

"I take my facebook responsibilities very seriously", Bill told me. "I have a friend in Russia named Yevgeniy. Lovely guy. Anyway, recently he had to undergo a minor medical procedure on his foot. So for good luck, I carried a ruble around with me all day. And guess what? Y (I call him Y) had successful surgery and is now walking with the ease of a panther."

Happily married, Bill avoids the pitfalls of many online friendships. Recently a twentyish young beauty from Spain named Concepcion, made a gentle suggestion to Bill that they might meet for, as she wrote, "a little in-person facebook meet-and-greet."
Always prepared, Bill already knew the meaning of young Concepcion's name, and consequently realized this was one trip he was not about to make. Concepcion's name meant "fertile one". Naturally, he smoothly rebuffed her invitation, simply writing, "My dear internet friend, I fear it will be many years before i visit Spain. Please feel free to pursue your desires, and while doing so, keep my friendship close to your heart. And besides, my wife would kill me."

Billy R. Smooth as silk.

Elvis

A radio host recently asked, "What do 66% of Elvis impersonators have in common?"
The answer, apparently, is that 66% of Elvis impersonators are Asian.
Great. But I have a better question, with a far easier answer. What do 100% of Elvis impersonators have in common?
They're all losers.

Celebrity Obsession

So, on the Yahoo home page, I read this tag line - "What did Brangelina name their twins?"

There are obviously two follow-up questions. First of all, "How did these two super-celebrities become integrated into one?" Didn't they used to be known as Brad and Angelina? Is there a term used anywhere on this planet that can elicit a more severe cringe than "Brangelina"???????? If you are out there making your way in the real world, and your name is Ted and your wife is named Donna, are you going to announce to your friends and family that you want to be referred to as Tonna? What about nice little couple Fred and Lucy. Now you're Fucy??? And don't forget Louie and Susan? Now they're Loosin?

And the next question, of course, is "Who cares what they named their twins?" They have about fifty kids anyway, so the odds are that at least one of them is named Knox. But I digress. Why do we care anyway? The media annoints certain people as the yardstick by which the rest of us miserable sots must be compared. And we lap it up like a hungry dog at a diner.

The only other question of any real interest, (not that i care, of course) is this - Do they have to give up sex (with each other) if Angelina adopts Brad?

Stupid Things People Say

When "Don't go there" wasn't fashionable, I hated it. Now that it's said with such horrid regularity, I hate it even more. If anyone says to me, "Don't go there", I am definitely going there.

"Hi Boss". What????? Complete strangers or strange people have said this to me, and i just want to gag. How am I your boss? If, in fact, I was your boss, I would fire your ass.

Two new expressions have sadly infiltrated baseball. To some announcers, a team doesn't "score" a run, they "plate" a run. Pass the tylenol. And a player who hits a home run now, apparently, has not hit one over the fence, or hit it out of the ballpark.........Nope, he has "gone yard". Who made that up?????? Someone seriously disturbed, obviously. I cringe as I type.

"My bad". No no. Try "I'm a very bad person." If I ever say "My bad", i will turn myself in.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too". Say what??? If I have a cake, what would exactly would I do with it if i didn't eat it? Talk to it? Toss it in the air like a pizza? If I have a cake, I'm eating it. And to suggest otherwise is simply depriving me of dessert.

Ten Good Things

Let's put cynicism aside for a moment. Ouch. It's hard. Deep breath. Here we go......Ten things that really do ease the insanity of the world.

1 - Seeing parents being kind and loving towards their little kids. When I see a guy in a mall with his little 5 year-old tagging along, and I hear Dad say with obvious affection, "Hey buddy, how are you doing?", I immediately feel better.

2 - Music. One of the world's saviours, music allows us to get lost in ourselves, and takes us, however briefly, completely off the hook from the madness that usually surrounds us. Everlasting thanks to rock and roll, especially The Beatles, Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan.

3 - Movies. Serves the same purpose as music, only with a different cast. And like music, you have to sift through the junk to find the good stuff, but it's well worth it.

4 - Books. Fantasy in fiction, and knowledge in non-fiction. A perfect break from the action.

5 - Spring Training baseball game in Lakeland, Florida. A classic way to hide from the world.

6 - Playing catch. The end of "Field of Dreams", where Kevin Costner plays catch with the spirit of his father, may be corny, but it does inspire goosebumps, and not just because it's the classic father and son bonding moment. More to the point - playing catch is just so much damn fun. Maybe it's my love of baseball, but I think anyone, sports fan or not, cannot find many activities more serene or perfect than tossing around a baseball.

7 - Junior Hockey in Kitchener, Ontario. Winter at its very best.

8 - David Letterman and "Seinfeld". Eternally silly, goofy, and really, really funny.

9 - Sitting near a beach, or a lake, and staring at the water. I don't like actually going into the water, but looking at it from a safe distance provides one heck of a peaceful feeling.

10 - Live concerts. If you love the artist, you can become immersed in the moment in a way that no one but you can really understand.

Ten Horizontal (or Vertical) Positions

1 - Most of the stuff on t.v. is junk. Comedies for people with single digit IQ's, phony reality shows, and endless forensic-based programs. Ugh. A few exceptions - Curb Your Enthusiasm, Letterman, Seinfeld reruns, Sabres hockey and Detroit Tigers baseball. That's it. O.k a couple more......Dexter and Stewie. Actually, those two aren't that dissimilar.

2 - If you've ever been called a "horse's ass", have you wondered if you do, in fact, resemble a horse's ass?

3 - If the world's most pretentious people had a pretense-off, who would win? Sting, Madonna,
Donald Trump's rats nest, or Tony Robbins' chiclets?

4 - Why do we use the term "pull the wool over your eyes"? Why wool? Why not a curtain, or even a towel, or cloud? Why wool? Makes no sense. A wool what? Sweater? Scarf? Why not, "Hey Steve, sounds like he really pulled the garage door over your eyes!" It's just as stupid.

5 - I bought an Ice Cap the other day, and the thing was half full. I said to the server, "So, its only half full." And she said, "The machine automatically makes them that way." And i thought,
"No it doesn't. I have had many of these things and the cup is always full......to the top". But I didn't say this aloud, because like so many people, I hate to complain about the little, inane things of life. Makes me feel like a complaining weasel. However, the older I get, the closer I get to saying things like, "Well if it's half full, here's half the money". I really hope i can get there.

6 - Why do convenience store clerks, after you have bought your gum or your little bag of cheesies, ask, "Would you like any lottery tickets?" How do you respond to that? "Oh of course, I forgot, give me 50 dollars worth of losing lottery tickets please." I spend a few bucks on lotteries, but there is no chance I am buying one if I'm asked. I hate that! It's worse than "Any fries with that?"

7 - If you're a woman, please fell free to wear sandals, or whatever kind of open-toe footwear you can find. But if you are male, and over 5 years old, please only wear something that completely covers your ugly little toes. Pretty please.

8 - I listen to sports talk radio, mostly for information, sometimes for entertainment (Schoop and the Bulldog, Bob McCown, Jim Rome, Colin Cowherd), but never for the endless stooges who call in from their little basements with their dopey little comments. In the case of calls made to the Schoop and the Bulldog show, the callers are almost exclusively met with ridicule by host Mike Schoop. And his ridicule is usually completely justified. The role of the caller, in most cases, on most shows, is simply to make the rest of us out in radio land feel better about our own muddled opinions.

9 - I recently saw a little 72 year old little man with a voice that resonates from a place where no one else can even imagine, give a concert to a full house, and it was one of the best shows I've ever seen. Few entertainers anywhere are as gifted and inspirational as Leonard Cohen.

10 - If you were lucky enough to own a race horse, would you burden yourself (and the poor horse) with a name like Lucky Boy on a Magical Ride, or Silver Moon Over a Cloudless Sky, or something like No Telling How Much Money We Can Make? What do you call these horses when you are feeding them or patting their little manes? "Hey there big fella, what should I call you today? "No"? How about "Telling"? Or "How"? "Much"? "Money"? Well, let's just go with "Much" today, o.k.? There you go, "Much", good boy. If I ever buy a horse, I'm naming him
Bob.

Front Seat/Back Seat

Some people are simply meant to sit in a car's front seat. Some are not. Big bully brother always sits in the front. Little 45-pound sister sits in the back. Scheming brat sits up front. Geek with crooked chiclets parks his arse in the back.


In the world of the rich and famous, there is little doubt who would sit where if these duo's shared a vehicle:


Robert DeNiro sits up front. Pauly Shore sits in the back.

Jerry Seinfeld sits up front. Bob Saget? Guess.

McCartney's hoffner - Up front. Tommy Lee's drums - Back seat, and please dont play.

Walter Cronkite - Let me get the door for you. Larry King - You can look like a frog in the back.

Bruce Springsteen - Front seat (and you can't get out!). Clay Aiken - Back seat, and shut the hell up.

A horse's ass - front seat. Tom Cruise - the trunk.

Clint Eastwood - He could be 100 , and no one on earth would challenge his spot up front. Keanu Reeves - sit in the back with the other mannequin's.

Gillian Anderson - Up front, and can i get you a pillow? Louie Anderson - In the back, buddy. Sorry I don't have a shoehorn.

Ron Howard - Opie, Richie, big-time director, modest, popular, nice guy - Up front, Ronny. Jerry Mathers - Leave it to Beaver to be this atrocious looking. Sit in the back Beav, and don't smile. Please.

Chris Rock - Front seat, Chris. Jimmy Fallon - makes Adam Sandler look like Al Pacino. Sit in the back and chant "I'm not funny."

Sean Connery - Seat. Front Seat. Mickey Rooney - back seat and please fasten your muzzle.

Hank Aaron - Front seat of course. You have to promise to tell the driver baseball stories. Barry Bonds - back seat...behind Hank. Where you belong. Get it??

Meryl Streep - Front seat. And please bring your laugh. Kathy Griffin - back seat with three pairs of heavy duty wool socks jammed into your frothing yapper.

B.B. King - Front seat, and bring your guitar. Carrot Top - back seat, preferrably laying down. B.B. doesnt want that clown wig anywhere near him.

...And finally........Eddie Munster - front seat pal, and nice widow's peak! The Olsen Twins - in the trunk with Cruise.

Naked Old Men

Is there anything more unpleasant than the sight of naked old men lounging around a locker room? No. It's bad enough that these misshapen oldtimers, displaying sagging titties, flabby asses, and grotesque beer guts, take off their clothes to shower. As disturbing as that thought is, consider the following:

-These old farts delight in engaging in long conversations with fellow naked fat men. Who in their right mind would want to talk about their latest bout with constipation while dangling their withered weenies in full view of soon-to-be-sick-club members??? Exactly. Nobody.

-Naked cell phone calls. Yup, come out of the shower, grab a phone, put a naked leg up on the bench, and call home. Great. Pass the aspirin.

-Naked television. No, i don't mean porn t.v. I mean naked old goats sitting on the horrified couch watching t.v. Hey, you nitwits ever heard of a towel??????? Obviously not.

A mandatory rule for all Health Clubs - If you are an old unattractive sack of shit, please, please, put on a suit of armour the second you leave the shower. And please remember, bathing suits are encouraged during showering. Thank you.

-

It's a chopper, baby

"Pulp Fiction" is loaded with terrific dialogue. ("royale with cheese", "there ain't no more me and you", "Hamburgers: the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast") but the exchange between Bruce Willis's Butch and his girlfriend Fabienne is the best -

                 "Fabian - Where did you get this motorcycle?
                           
                     Butch-(he KICK-STARTS it)
                      It's a chopper, baby, hop on.

                    Fabienne-  Butch, whose motorcycle is this?
                          
                      Butch - It's a chopper.
                                
                    Fabienne-  Whose chopper is this?
                            
                      Butch - Zed's.

                     Fabienne - Who's Zed?

                     Butch - Zed's dead, baby, Zed's dead."

Who among us wouldn't like to say, just once (and mean it)- It's a chopper, baby.

Annoying Dopes

Ten of the most annoying people on earth (naturally they are famous).

Pete Rose - With an IQ of an eggplant, he hocks his autograph on a table around the corner from the Baseball Hall of Fame. They should ban him from that table too.

Celine Dion - The screeching horse-face got married in Cleopatra-like style. Any other questions?

Jay Leno - He "forgot" to thank Johnny Carson when he replaced the late night icon. Whoops. And i forgot to laugh at anything he has said since. Whoops. I mean, I have never watched him since. Pretty easy to do, since David Letterman is about a million times funnier.

Rosie O'Donnell - A horrifyingly shrill voice, a face that screams "Herman Munster", and the tact of a grizzly bear eating beer cans.

Paris Hilton - Famous for being rich. A no-talent dipstick with the face of a pelican and the personality of a dead battery.

Madonna - She speaks with a thicker british accent than Prince Charles. Where did she find it?
Michigan? California? Up her egotistical ass???

Every contestant on every reality show - None of it is real. Fake, fake, fake. Why anyone who isn't completely insane would want to follow the phony adventures of some plastic doofus on an island is beyond reason.

Jim Belushi - This slob has been starring in a horrible t.v. show for about 50 years. What does that say about the viewing public? It says the public is generally nuts.

Jimmy Kimmel - Annoying as this hack is, he also gives hope to all of us. If he can have a show, then damnit, so can I! And so could you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you.........

TomCruiseandJohnTravolta - They both are in a league of their own in the world of pretentiousness, so I'm going to assume they are the same person (Cruise gets top billing, because he is slightly more revolting that Johnny Revolta.) Phony smiles, phony hair (what is that on your head, John???????), plastic Stepford-like personalities. Cringe at your convenience, people.

A Bad, Bad Look

For those of you who need reassurance that you are not the uncoolest, worst dressed person on earth, consider the following:

While attending a spring training game in Florida, i saw a guy who was adorned with the worst collection of "stuff" i have ever witnessed, including:

Sandals with black wool socks that were yanked up past his knees.

A far too small #2 Yankees jersey, with the name "Peacock" printed on the back. (The Yankees, of course, don't print names on their jersey's. It would be bad enough if "Jeter" was printed on the damn thing, but "Peacock"??????? Causes even non-Yankee fans among us to tear up).

Tight, lime-green, nut-hugging shorts that were yanked up so high, they appeared to be strangling him.

A pink, ill-fitting Mets cap. Yes, a Mets cap. Perhaps he couldnt tell the difference between the astoundingly different NY's.

Giant, old-guy sunglasses, with, naturally, duct tape holding them together.

A thick camera strap that weighed 100 pounds if it weighed an ounce. Attached to the strap was a camera that featured a lens that was only slightly smaller than Don Zimmer. (Unfortunately, the lens still wasn't big enough to hide his jiggling, bulging, ghost-white belly).

A "moustache" that consisted of one black hair, one red hair, and a third hair whose color could not be positively identified.

And my favorite...bright red batting gloves......on each hand........honestly.

In The Hole

Is there anything more irritating than the so-called golf "fan" who screams "In the hole!!!!!!!" whenever a golfer hits a shot? It's bad enough when the shot is a five foot putt, but when one of these stooges screams "In the hole!!!" at a guy who is setting up his tee shot on a 650 yard hole, anyone with a grain of reason in their heads surely wants to kill, or at least maim these brain-fried pinheads. Nothing short of a long prison term should be considered for punishment.